BDSM Protocols, Rituals, Commands, Positions, and Training

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Mistress Nerissa

BDSM Protocols, Rituals, Commands, Positions, and Training…How to use them.

We hear a lot about protocols, rituals, commands, positions, and training when we are first delving into the BDSM lifestyle. There are books galore showcasing all the different types of protocols, rituals, positions, etc. But none of them really discusses HOW to make them part of your dynamic. It’s the structure that’s seductive. Once established, these tools help your relationship run more smoothly. So we want them now! And so we run home and tell our s-type that from now on you will do X, every day. And we are proud of ourselves because we have just established a protocol or ritual. Perhaps this ritual lasts for a day or two, perhaps even a week or two, but eventually, our s-type ceases to do it and we wonder why it didn’t work. There is more to it than just declaring that it be so. Protocols, rituals, commands, positions and training all take work for both partners to make them a healthy and consistent part of our dynamics. Let’s explore them.

 

What are they?

Protocol: How one is expected to behave. (Example: waiting in line for the movies is expected behavior, cutting in line is not acceptable.)

Ritual: A commonly used practice for specific occasions. (Example: Saying Grace before a meal.)

Command: Verbal or visual signal for a certain behavior. (Example: Ordering your dog to sit.)

Position: A practice positioning of the body to affect behavior at a given command. (Example: Attention! or At-Ease)

Training: The method by which the above are taught, learned, and perfected.


Examples in BDSM:

Protocol: How is your slave to address others in a public lifestyle situation?  Where are they to stand in relation to you?  Must they ask permission to eat, speak, use the restroom?   How do you prefer them to dress?  Protocols may vary due to situation, i.e. vanilla vs. lifestyle.  Household protocols for cleaning, cooking, shopping, serving, etc.

Ritual: Kneeling, verbal exchanges, serving, uniforms for specific occasions, etc.

Commands: One or two words, or a physical signal to initiate a behavior: kneel, present, stand, fetch (usually includes item to be fetched), etc.

Position:  The physical positioning of the slave for a specific task: kneel, present, stand, as well as serving.

 

Why are they important?

This is purely my opinion.  As a general rule, people do not pay very close attention to one another.  When you’ve lived with someone for a time, the newness of them wears off and you stop seeing the little things.  In the beginning, you noticed when they cocked their head to the side when asking a question, or swung their foot while watching TV.  But after a time (and it doesn’t take very long) we stop noticing those things.  We stop seeing every little detail about our partners.  And people on the street with whom we come into contact every day see even less.  By incorporating protocols, rituals, commands, positions, and training them appropriately, we give our partners close scrutiny.  We pay attention to the way they are standing, holding their head, how their hands are positioned, what they are wearing, the look on their face, the sparkle (or lack thereof) in their eyes.  And in training we let them know that we are watching them more closely and paying more attention to them than any other person.  It gives them a sense of security, or knowing that they are loved and cherished and special.


How to devise them…

What is the purpose?  To make your life easier?  To train common positions used in play?  To please you?  To reinforce headspace throughout the day?  Think about WHY you want the protocol, ritual, command, or position first, then think about the ways can you achieve your goal.

 

 

Why should they be part of your dynamic?

What pleases you?  What makes you happy?  What makes your life easier?  What makes you feel loved and cherished?  What challenges have you encountered while playing that a position or verbal command could alleviate?  What frustrations have you (or your partner) encountered while exploring your dynamic that a protocol may improve?  How do you communicate upsets in your relationship?  What challenges might you encounter in your daily life that will make a protocol or ritual difficult to maintain?  How do you and your partner maintain headspace?  Do you desire to have a power transfer dynamic?


What are the pieces of your protocol, ritual, command, or position?  (Who, what, when, where, why, how?)

Does it require a physical position?

Does it require a verbal exchange or specific language?

What is the timing of your protocol, ritual, position, command?  How often?  When?  Is it situational?

Is there a uniform or specific clothing/accessory required?


How will you train your protocol, ritual, position, or command?

Designated training sessions?  Written instructions?  Verbal instructions?  It is important to understand how your partner learns best before you decide how you will train.  Sometimes several methods are required.  If there are physical requirements to your protocol, physical training will definitely be required.  How will you correct your partner during training to ensure that the protocol is delivered to your standards?  How long will you train?  If you or your partner does not know if they are a visual, auditory, kinesthetic or multi-sensory learner, there is a quick quiz located at: http://www.2learn.org/learningstyles.html


After the training period, how will you correct the absence or the incorrect performance of a protocol, ritual, position or command? 

Do you have escalating consequences?  Is your partner aware of them?  Do you have a training/discipline method in place to use for all protocols?  Is your partner required to keep a written record of protocols with notes on how to perform them?  To learn about your partner’s motivations and strengths, you may enjoy completing the following:

http://typelogic.com/entj.html

 

http://www.tonyrobbins.com/ue/disc-profile.php

 

If both of you complete these surveys, they can act as a jumping off point for a discussion regarding improved communication, learning, and relating within your relationship.  The more information you have about one another, the better!

 

Example Ritual/Command/Position

 

Present for Inspection:

 

Before play (WHEN), the slave is required to present for inspection (WHAT).  The purpose (WHY) of this ritual is to highlight the slave’s place in the relationship; to remind U/us of O/our respective positions; to alter headspace to signify the end of regular daily life and the beginning of play time; to gauge the mental, physical and emotional health of the slave prior to play.

 

Physical (HOW/WHERE):

slave is required to disrobe and fold clothes neatly, putting them in the designated spot, removing all jewelry except for the casual collar (and/or wedding ring).  If slave has long hair, it is to be pulled back into a simple pony tail, slave will not wear make-up.

 

slave will stand before the Master, chin high, eyes lowered, shoulders back, chest out, feet a little wider than shoulder-width apart, hands behind head, fingers interlaced, knees slightly bent (not locked).  slave is not permitted to look Master in the eye.

 

Mental: slave will take slow deep breaths and concentrate on feeling its slavery.  slave will not grow impatient and will stand in position breathing and concentrating as long as the Master wills.

 

Verbal:

slave will remain silent unless asked a question.  slave will answer every question Master asks with the prescribed language: Yes, Master, thank you master…No, Master, thank you Master…or in the event of an open-ended question…_________, Master, thank you Master.  slave will answer honestly, fully, completely, and without hesitation every question asked.  The final question asked will always be: Does this slave have additional information to offer?  This is the slave’s final opportunity to express concerns, needs, fears, hurts, etc.  It is the slave’s responsibility to offer ALL information to the Master regarding its mental, emotional, and physical well-being.  It is not up to the slave to decide the importance or relevance of the information.

 

At the end of the inspection period, Master will order the slave to dress in the uniform of the evening.  slave will dress in silence and come back to Present once dressed appropriately.

 

END OF PROTOCOL

 

How to train:

Verbally explain the protocol, ritual, command, position to the slave.  I find it is helpful to explain why you think this protocol is important and what benefits it will give your dynamic.  At this point, it is up to you if you will allow them to ask questions to clarify.  In the beginning, there are usually many questions due to the foreign-nature of such an exercise, born of nervousness, the desire to get it right, the desire to please, etc.  Explain the training time period, how long it will last, and how the training will take place over time.  Explain your expectations and when you expect that they will be “trained” and no longer require reminders.  Explain the consequences which will occur after the training period ends and they still do not have it perfectly or they become lax in their performance over time.

 

I find it is helpful to designate “training” with a physical cue of some kind…a uniform, a collar, a specific implement, etc. but this is definitely not required.  Also, separating training from play is recommended, though playing afterward is up to you!  Training after play is probably not a good idea.

 

Give the command to assume the position as you would if they already knew it.  Since you have told them verbally what you expect from the position, they will likely get some part of it right.  Keep in mind that most people have difficulty remembering more than 5 things at once.  If your position/command requires more than five changes to their demeanor or physical position, they will likely need to be reminded.  Do not expect them to get it right the very first time and to make it a positive experience, do not act disappointed or upset that they failed to get it all.  Simply correct the position.  Verbally and with physical compulsion, correct their position one step at a time until they are positioned exactly as you would have them be.  Once they have attained the correct position, have them remain there and feel it.  Then they may relax and once again, give the command.  When training a position, it is important to do so multiple times on multiple occasions to create muscle memory.

 

These same techniques can be used to train commands, rituals, protocols, and positions.  When you find something that works well, use that training technique for each training period.  If you find that the slave is not receptive to training, ask them how it can be more effective, how to better motivate and encourage them.  You may find that they are wanting more structure rather than less, or more gentleness or harshness than you have been providing.  While I am not advocating allowing your slave to Top from the bottom, I also believe that teaching of any kind must be effective and if the technique you’re using isn’t working, using all resources at your disposal (including the self-knowledge of your slave) to be more effective is only wise.  Keep feedback sessions separate from training.  I find that allowing a 24 hour period to lapse helps in the beginning because there are many feelings and thoughts that need to be processed before the slave can put them into words.

 

Things to keep in mind:

You are learning this protocol as well.  Keep notes with you as you’re training so that you do not forget to train something that you have worked so hard to create.  I suggest writing it down so that each time you train you can be consistent.  It is not much fun to be reminded by your slave that you’ve forgotten part of a position or protocol.

 

Consequences:

The following are suggestions only.

1st offense: slave will kneel, offer any concerns to the Master regarding the task, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, then receive corrective training.

2nd offense: slave will kneel, explain the continued difficulty remembering how to perform the task, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, receive corrective training, then perform the task 5 times with perfection.

3rd offense: slave will kneel nightly before bed for one week, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, practice on its own to strive for perfection, and complete a journal entry/email/paper on the importance of obedience and why the slave believes it is challenged to perform the task as required, at the end of the week, slave will correctly perform the task and read aloud the paper to the Master.

4th offense: slave will kneel, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, explain to the Master why the slave believes this task is not worthy of its attention or why they cannot give obedience to their Master in this instance.

5th offense: slave will kneel and asked to be released from service.


These consequences imply that the slave is not trying to be obedient.  Judgment should always be used.  If over a year-long period, the slave incorrectly performs the protocol/ritual/command/position four times, I would suggest it is because of outside influence or circumstances (i.e. slave is tired, ill, stressed, etc.) and a simple conversation and verbal reminder is all that is necessary.  If the slave willfully and continually does not perform the task as required, there is an issue that needs to be addressed and the slave must answer the question for itself…does it still want to be a slave?  If there is an underlying issue (anger, upset, hurt, etc.) it is the Master’s responsibility to address that issue and resolve it, reminding the slave that expressing those issues is necessary for the health of the dynamic.

 

Above all, please remember that the goal of adding these tools to your dynamic is to strengthen it. If you are looking for an easy fix, this most certainly isn’t it. But communication, when all else fails, is usually the key, so make that your “go-to” tool for your relationship and you’ll find the path a little easier to travel.


©Copyright 2013 Mistress Nerissa

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BDSM Lifestyle Terms

Posted on November 28, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

So often, when we first start out on this journey, we are confronted with a language that is foreign and find ourselves wondering…what does THAT mean? So I’m providing a list of commonly used BDSM Lifestyle Terms to give you a beginning reference. This list is by no means exhaustive, so if you come across a term that isn’t listed, please email Me and I will add it!

D-Types:

We hear them used, see them on FetLife…Top, Dominant, Domme, Master, Mistress, Daddy, Mommy…they have capital letters…so what do they all mean? Generically, you may hear all of these terms lumped together and the various individuals who possess these titles referred to as “D-types”, individually, they all mean something a little different.

Top

Is probably most easily defined as a play term…someone who Tops during a scene (the person doing the flogging, spanking, etc.). You may also find this used more frequently within the Gay community than in the Het community. This term, in My experience, does not necessarily denote a D/s relationship, but more of a play dynamic.

Dominant/Domme

This is used more often to denote a position in a D/s dynamic. Literally, the Dominant is the one who dominates their partner in a power exchange relationship. Domme (pronounced “dom-ay”) is the female version of Dominant. This term is also used to publicly identify oneself to the community, whether or not one is in a dynamic.

Master/Mistress

This is used usually to denote one’s position in a M/s dynamic, however, it may also be used to denote how one sees one’s self whether or not they are currently in a dynamic.

Daddy/Mommy

These terms are used to denote the type of D/s dynamic currently enjoyed by the couple, or the individual’s role within their relationship and/or the community. A Daddy (or Mommy) is not necessarily a role that is put on strictly for play, but rather is a role within the dynamic that is maintained during most (if not all) interactions.

Terms of Address

It is always safest, if you are being introduced to someone for the first time, to ask them how they wish to be addressed. While I may be introduced as Mistress Nerissa, I simply prefer to be addressed as Nerissa in social settings. During play with others, I prefer “Ma’am” and with My submissive, I prefer “Mistress.” But everyone is different. If you are uncertain, ask politely and listen to the answer. Many people understand what it is to be new and will be accepting and appreciative of your desire to learn.

s-types:

Generically known as “s-types,” usually you will see these terms universally written with lower-case letters, and individuals who identify as an s-type, will sign their name online with lowercase letters and using a lowercase i to publicly identify as such.

bottom

Simply, a bottom is a person who, in scene, is being spanked, flogged, whipped, etc. This generally is a term confined to generalities or to a specific scene and not often used to describe relationship dynamics.

submissive

This term is used by those who have chosen to give up some measure of control to a Dominant within a D/s dynamic, whether or not they are currently in a dynamic.

slave

This term is used by those who have chosen to give up ALL control to a Master/Mistress within an M/s dynamic, whether or not they are currently in a dynamic.

pet

This term is used to objectify an individual and may denote an individual who enjoys puppy, kitty or pony play.

girl/boy

This term is generically used to identify an s-type who is in a relationship. It may be a term of address from the D-type or used to talk about someone who is in a relationship, i.e. “Sir, may I speak with your girl?”

Addressing an s-type

When addressing an s-type who does not belong to you, be respectful and keep in mind that if they are owned or connected to a D-type, it is commonly accepted to ask permission before touching an s-type, even to shake hands. Some s-types, may be under speech restrictions and therefore unable to respond to you. Above all, remember that an unowned s-type is not free-game. s-types deserve as much respect from you as anyone else. Unowned s-types are not there to do your bidding, nor should they unless they are so inclined!

Scene Terms:

Masochist

A masochist is an individual who receives pleasure (sexual or otherwise) from having pain inflicted on them, whether physical, emotional, or psychological.

Restrictions

Speech and eye-contact restrictions, as well as bodily contact and bathroom restrictions are not uncommon during public outings. They are as they suggest, where the s-type is not allowed to make eye-contact, speak or make physical contact with another person unless given explicit permission. Bathroom restrictions may also be used, not allowing the s-type to freely use the bathroom, or eat, smoke, drink, unless given permission or a certain set of tasks is first completed.

Sadist

A sadist is a person who receives sexual pleasure (or any pleasure) from inflicting pain on another person. This pain can be physical, emotional, or psychological.

Scene

The term scene can refer to a BDSM event in general, even if it is a primarily vanilla event such as a coffee, or it can be a specific time for play. They are used interchangeably and frequently, and are defined by context.

Switch

A switch is a person who can either top or bottom and who prefers to do both at any given time.

 

Relationship Terms:

D/s Dynamic

A relationship defined by the Dominance of One and the submission of another. This is a power transfer dynamic and is generally of long duration, rather than a casual play event.

M/s Dynamic

A relationship defined by the Mastery of One and the slavery of another. This is a complete power transfer dynamic and is usually of long duration, and involves immense trust and understanding.

Fluid Bonding

This is a term used to define the sexual state of the couple. In simple language, a fluid bonded couple is one who does not use condoms or other barriers, has shared blood/semen/vaginal fluids.

Negotiation

The process of getting to know one another prior to play, understanding the hard limits of each partner, what is desired from the interaction (whether short-term or long-term), setting goals and expectations for the relationship, and generally stating what will happen when and giving consent.

Power Exchange

Power Exchange or Power Transfer is the practice of the s-type actively giving up control over their person to another.

Protocol

Rituals designed to enhance the relationship and make certain that the s-type fully understands his/her duties, expectations, etc. Many D-types also use protocols to act as an s-type barometer, to let them know how their s-type is feeling.

Types of Play:

This list is BY NO MEANS EXHAUSTIVE! I will be adding to it as time goes on. If there is something that you’d like to see here, please email Me!

Anal Play

Play with plugs, beads, strap-ons, fingers or any other implements in or around the anus.

Bondage

Any type of physical binding of the body or various body parts, i.e. handcuffs, arm binding, leg binding, mummification, rope bondage, duct tape bondage, etc. Any materials may be used to restrict movement of the body so long as safety protocols are followed.

Branding

Branding is the temporary or permanent marking of an s-type. This can include tattoos, cold-branding, fire-branding, etching, carving, etc.

Breath Play

Any type of play that restricts the free breathing of an individual, which may include choking, smothering, drowning, hanging, etc. This type of play is extremely dangerous and should not be attempted alone (i.e. autoerotic asphyxiation).

CBT

Otherwise known as Cock and Ball Torture, varies from intense sensation play on the male genitals to severe impact, piercing, bondage, stretching and other forms of torture.

Humiliation

Humiliation is negotiated embarrassment (in public or private) of the s-type. This can include name-calling, positions, clothing, activities, etc.

Impact

Any type of play that involves physical impact to another person, i.e. flogging, whipping, spanking, paddling, caning, punching, etc.

Knife Play

The use of a knife or sharp blade to create fear and sensation. Cutting and blood are not necessarily part of this play, but rather the use of a knife to ensure no movement from the s-type and intense sensation.

Orgasm Control and Denial

The control and denial of orgasms by the D-type. The s-type must ask permission to orgasm, and the permission is given or withheld at the whim of the D-type. Punishment may ensue if orgasm occurs without permission.

Pony/Puppy/Kitty Play

Where the s-type achieves pleasure behaving, dressing, playing as a pony, puppy or kitty, and the D-type receives pleasure in training and caring for Their pet. For a more intense discussion of this type of play, please see: Pony Play, Puppy Play, Kitty Play.

Rough Body Play

Any type of play that includes punching, kicking, throwing, and generally rough handling of an individual.

Sensory Deprivation

The use of blindfolds, ear plugs, hoods, masks, etc. to remove sight, sound, smell, taste, etc. from the s-type. This type of play usually leaves one or two senses open in order to intensify them during the scene.

Squirting

An ejaculatory orgasm for women. For more information on how to do this, see this very detailed blog!

Water Sports

Commonly known as a golden shower, this is generally known to be urine play, whether drinking, wearing, or forcing someone else to wet themselves.

Other Information:

When researching these, or any unfamiliar topics, on the internet, be certain to get more than one resource who have basically the same information. With so much information out there, there is bound to be some information that is harmful. Use common sense and remember to go at your own pace!

If you have any questions or would like more information, please feel free to contact Me directly!

Check out our article on beginning Caning and discipline.

 

Copyright 2012 Mistress Nerissa

 

 

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Marriage and Spanking in the Bedroom: Thoughts on Intimacy and Trust

Posted on November 27, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

Guest Blog Post from The Black Toy Chest by Madison Berlin

When my husband and I were dating, I had never been spanked by anyone before – not as a punishment or even as a playful smack. He introduced me to it one day out of the blue as a teasing gesture, and at first I admit I was reluctant – I wasn’t sure what to make of it, really. As we got to know each other more and more though, his affectionate and teasing spankings were beginning to make me a little horny, a feeling of naughtiness bringing out more passion for him. Soon, it became a regular part of foreplay, and I began to actually enjoy getting spanked beyond just the tease, to the point where I would ask my husband to spank me more (with a naughty horny voice of course) – I loved getting my butt glowing red with his palm prints and he spanked me all the while fondling my breasts or rubbing my clitoris. And he came to know exactly how I liked it – with a firm hand smacking down on the softest part of my butt, giving me a little sting but not too much. During lovemaking, when my husband took me from behind, he would spank me again and again; I loved every bit of his affectionate spanking. I felt myself getting tighter and wetter around his manhood with each stinging smack, and the effect was even more pronounced when we enjoyed anal sex. Yet it wasn’t really clear why it was so enjoyable. Perhaps it was just that naughty feeling, or maybe it was the endorphins released by the slight stings. However, I later found out as my husband and I grew closer through marriage that the reasons revealed to have much deeper roots.

Spanking for me undoubtedly feels good because I feel a bit sluttier for my husband, and bit like a naughty girl who’s been up to no good and is being set straight. But there’s a reason that it feels so good and turns me on. At the core of it is the belief that my husband isn’t really going to hurt me, and that it’s an affectionate act on his part to know what makes me hot for him. I trust him to know my limits and to push them right to take me to new heights. I trust him to know where to smack and when. I trust him to only make me his naughty girl and give nobody else that privilege. That’s a special feeling. It takes all the components that make us work as a couple and heightens them when he spanks me. Not consciously, mind you, I’m too busy being pleasured then – it’s subconscious knowledge that comes to light upon reflection. And I know that he feels special because I let him make me naughty. He knows I love it because it’s him that’s spanking my round behind. It takes our trust and makes it stronger for the both of us; it’s enjoyable! Marriage is so often construed as just commitment, but it has so many components that are overlooked. It’s filled with joys, frustrations, and everything in between – and it’s the trust in our lovers to love us no matter what that makes that commitment possible. The spanking itself passes with each session of our play, but the fact that we are so close remains – and that’s what lays the foundation for making spanking so enjoyable for us.

As for the tools of the trade, they can certainly add to your spanking experience. My husband started spanking me with a paddle and belt only fairly recently in our time together, after we had long established that I enjoy playing the naughty girl. We found that the heightened (or stingier, should I say?) play allows us to fantasize even more together. For example, just the other day, I gave him a particularly pleasurable blowjob, and he slowly pulled out a belt and informed me that I’ve been naughty and need to be punished. It was a pleasantly unexpected surprise, and I happily played along, agreeing with him and asking him for a spanking to set me straight. I assumed the position and kneeled with my butt in the air, and my husband went to town giving me one smack after another on my bare bottom, evenly belting each butt cheek with lots of sting; he made me say that I’ve been naughty and deserve to be spanked hard, and I said it over and over again while I felt the belt leaving my butt all red with stripes. Naturally, it hurt more than his hand, but I was all the more horny afterwards, really immersed in my role as a naughty girl; my husband then went to town on my dripping love hole with his lovely manhood. The situational play that we enjoyed shows how spanking can increase intimacy. There are many days when we will indulge in gentle lovemaking cradling each other, and nurturing our affection. But some days we both want something a bit rougher, something passion-fueled instead of affection-fueled. And spanking is one of the ways we heighten our passion – it’s edgier and sluttier and different while maintaining all of the subtle foundations that make us work as a loving couple. And when we play our respective roles that allow such passion, we get closer together as an end result.

The nuances of spanking become clearer after you’ve enjoyed it for a while. I still love my husband’s hand the most, but his belt and our new paddle from SPORKwood are the toys that take us above our usual limits when we want it. The belt stings more than his hand, and the paddle is big enough to spank both of my butt cheeks at once, giving me no break between smacks. What’s more, the paddle allows me to be spanked while butt plugged (and it pushes it in more – lots of moaning fun!), making the experience even more pleasurable. We use whatever tool suits our mood, but constantly searching for new methods and different strokes (no pun intended) help us extend and deepen our intimacy. It’s important to keep communication up – what feels good, what doesn’t, and what you want to try.

We have chosen to the spend the rest of our lives together, and we plan to make it as fun and close as we can – Spanking’s definitely one of the things that help us keep it lively in the bedroom (Ladies, I guarantee if you stick up your butt in the air and tell your husband you’ve been a naughty girl, he will be all over you in a heartbeat). Does this mean everyone should like spanking? Not necessarily. We’ve found it to be rewarding and hope that others enjoy it too, but we would like to stress that whatever it is in your love life that makes you trust your partner more, that makes you closer to them – go for it and don’t hesitate! Play out some of your fantasies or try some new positions. And realize that all of these things get you two talking to each other about something intimate and private; that it’s only for your partner to hear. Keep that specialness alive: Marriage isn’t a static condition – it evolves with you two. Good luck, be naughty, and have fun!

Thank you for reading, and happy spanking!

James and Madison

Follow us at: theblacktoychest.blogspot.com

Check out BDSM Lifestyle Terms for a quick introduction to those words you keep hearing!

Need spanking paddles?  Check out our stock!

Want a quick lesson on spanking and caning?

Learn about Warm-up and Aftercare here!

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BDSM Toy Care

Posted on November 16, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

We all love our toys and want them to last. Like clothing and furniture, our toys need proper care as well. The following is by no means an exhaustive exploration of BDSM toy care, but it is a good place to start!  Care for your BDSM toys and they will care for you!

Wooden Toy Care:

Disinfecting: Spray with cavicide or other bug-killing disinfectant, allow to dry and wrap in plastic (air tight) and leave for 22 days.

To keep it looking nice: Wipe down with the wood oil of your choice (food-grade or furniture) once a month or so in drier climates and less frequently for more humid regions, allow to completely dry before putting it back in your toy bag.

Check out our paddles, perfect for light to heavy spanking!

Bamboo and Rattan Cane Toy Care:

Disinfecting: Spray with cavicide or other bug-killing disinfectant, allow to dry and wrap in plastic (air tight) and leave for 22 days.

To keep it flexible and healthy: Soak in water (handle and all) once a month or so in drier climates and less frequently for more humid regions, allow to completely dry before putting it back in your toy bag.

We have canes for punishment and discipline play!

Synthetic Impact Toy Care:

Disinfecting: Spray with cavicide or other bug-killing disinfectant, allow to dry before returning to your toy bag.

To keep it looking nice: Wipe down with damp cloth or wash with soap and warm water.

Leather Toy Care:

Leather toys must be conditioned regularly to keep them looking and feeling great.  They are VERY difficult to disinfect and doing so may ruin the look and feel of the leather.  Use a good quality leather conditioner such as Huberd’s to keep them looking, feeling, and performing well.

Rubber Toy Care:

Disinfecting: Spray with cavicide or other bug-killing disinfectant, allow to dry before returning to your toy bag.

To keep it looking nice: Wipe down with damp cloth or wash with soap and warm water, or use rubber conditioner (same as you would use for rubber or latex clothing).

Things to keep in mind:

Glass and stainless or surgical steel can be boiled in water to disinfect.

For insertables, use a condom on them when in use to help keep them clean, wash with soap and warm water between uses, it’s safest not to share toys between partners, but if you must, please disinfect them between uses.

Leather does not, to my knowledge, have the ability to be disinfected, though if you have other information, please feel free to share it!

And keep all toys stored out of direct sunlight!

Shop for your BDSM toys at: www.shop.paddlesandcanes.com


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How to Use a Cane for BDSM Impact Play

Posted on November 13, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

When we hear the word cane for the first time, we may think of an old man using a thick, curved stick to walk. And while you can certainly use something of that nature should you choose…there are so many choices out there!  Learning how to use a cane for BDSM impact play is something that can be done very easily.

Canes and rods have been used in discipline and punishment for centuries, so why shouldn’t W/we be using them for fun? I love the idea of reclaiming something that has been used to torture humans and perverting it so that it becomes something positive. I won’t bore you with the gory history of canes and rods, but will instead discuss the many varieties of implements available for rigid impact play and how to do it safely.

111312 1937 Caningtypes1Canes: Some have said that “true canes” are only made of bamboo or rattan. Some argue that length is a qualifier. Personally…I just like the word and so I use it for everything that is long, thin and rigid.

 

Rods: If we subscribe to the above theory that canes are only made of bamboo or rattan, then these are everything else. Acrylic, hardwood, lexan, delrin, aluminum, plastic…and the list goes on!111312 1937 Caningtypes2

Switches: These tend to be natural materials that are thin and springy…I was fortunate to find a vendor who made rawhide switches…absolutely lovely!

Whether you’re using a cane, rod or switch, basic safety is the same. Refrain from hitting the bones and joints, stay away from nerve centers and focus on areas that are well padded with muscle and other tissue. These types of toys can have a higher instance of marking in some individuals. Welts and even bleeding are not uncommon, so be sure to negotiate the level of play/damage prior to beginning play.

When using longer canes, you are more apt to get a very nice “whooshing” sound during play. This sound heightens the anticipation (and sometimes dread) of the submissive, especially when they are blindfolded. Depending on the weight of the cane and how fast you swing it, this sound does not necessarily indicate a heavy impact. Rattan canes tend to make this sound with very little effort because they are so lightweight and flexible. Bamboo and heavier or shorter canes may take more effort on your part in order to get the auditory pleasure from this type of play.

If you’re new to caning, start to use your cane by practicing on a pillow. The longer the cane, the more challenging it is to be accurate, so make certain you have enough practice prior to practicing your cane techniques on your human partner. Practice at different impact speeds and with different intensities. Once your cane impact accuracy has improved, then move on to your submissive. The longer the cane, the more important your grip. If you grip too tightly, you will more than likely tire easily and end up causing more pain to yourself than your submissive. Grip lightly with thumb and two fingers, allowing the butt of the cane to move freely against the heel of your palm. By doing this, you will see that the impact is actually greater with less effort on your part.

Start slowly when introducing your submissive to caning. Not everyone reacts well to canes the first time around. Light taps and stings are best for the first session, maybe even warming up with a good spanking or paddling first. If your submissive is resistant to this type of play, a smaller, thicker cane might be a good way to begin, and, as always, when introducing a new type of play, sexual stimulation is a very good idea.

Punishment: Canes are effective punishment tools, even for those who regularly use them for play and enjoy them. Punishment is all about headspace and when a cane is used, it can be swift and severe. Without warm-up or sexual stimulation, these implements can cause a lot of pain in a very short period of time. Keep the strokes even, have your submissive count them aloud, and this will keep them in the right headspace. Just be certain to explain why they are being punished, and remember…when the punishment is over, they are forgiven and it’s time to move on.

Cane Care: As previously mentioned, drawing blood and deep welts are not uncommon with rigid impact. The thinner the implement, the more likely you are to break the skin. If this should occur, finish your scene and administer whatever care is needed to your submissive. Once he/she is all warm and fuzzy, then you can take care of your bloody cane. Spray it down with Cavicide, wrap it tightly in plastic and leave it covered for 22 days to kill all the little bugs.

Soak bamboo and rattan canes in water for 30-60 minutes once a month (in drier regions) or once every couple of months (in more humid regions) to keep maximum flexibility and to allow your canes to last for the longest time.

Wood canes and rods should also receive regular care in the form of oiling the wood once a month or so in drier regions and once every couple of months in more humid regions.

Care for synthetic materials is much simpler, simply spray with Cavicide if it has come into contact with bodily fluids, or for regular cleaning, wipe down with Lysol wipes.

After caring for your toys, allow them to dry before returning them to your toy bag.

If you’re looking to add canes to your toy bag, check out our catalog: http://www.shop.paddlesandcanes.com/Canes_c3.htm

Learn to care for your canes.

Copyright 2012 Mistress Nerissa

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The Introduction of male Chastity

Posted on October 18, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

101812 1720 Theintroduc1The introduction of male chastity to your partner may be challenging, but male chastity can boost the intimacy and quality of your relationship, especially if done correctly.  Many men, when first hearing about chastity, shy away from the idea of being denied what they have so freely taken for granted most of their lives…their orgasms. From a very young age, boys are very aware of that body part between their legs, its uses, and the pleasure it can give them. In their teens and twenties, many use it daily (or even multiple times a day) to give themselves pleasure or release…whether with another person or alone. Into their thirties, this daily use may slow down a small fraction, and will slow down even more with every decade in experience gained. The reason for this is very simply testosterone level. I will not discuss exceptions here, but in general, this seems to be true for most men.  So voluntarily agreeing to enter into a state of chastity, is abhorrent until they see the positive effects.

Most men tend to have a strong aversion to the idea of chastity in the beginning. Whether they are divorced, have been single for a long time, or are unhappily married, they are looking for a healthy sexual relationship. For the divorced and unhappily married, My theory is that their wives have already been withholding sex as a form of manipulation and/or punishment and so they are looking for a sexual relationship and have no desire to give up their possibility for orgasm. And for those who have long been single, they, too, crave a woman’s touch. In this case, approaching the topic slowly is suggested. The following are only suggestions and should be adapted to your particular situation when introducing male chastity to your partner.

In the beginning of chastity practice, exercising orgasm control should be attended to first. Setting up a protocol for the submissive to ask permission before orgasming is essential to successful chastity. This can be practiced during extended tease and denial sessions, where the submissive is brought to the brink of orgasm, asks for permission and is denied, cooled down, then the process is repeated. The important thing about tease and denial sessions of this nature is not to allow the submissive to know ahead of time when he might be able to orgasm. At some point, you will say yes, but he will not know which time that is, and when preparing for chastity, this is essential in My opinion. In practicing asking for permission and being rewarded for obeying your commands, it will soon reward him for the behavior you desire…and he will see that quality of his orgasms, after several tease and denial cycles, are increased. The longer he waits, the more powerful they become, and the introduction to male chastity will be less challenging.

Attempting short chastity periods of a few days to a week is also highly recommended. During these short periods, edging (bringing to the brink of orgasm and then denying the orgasm) is highly recommended. Other forms of play, when used in conjunction with edging and chastity, will keep their sexual interest focused. For some men, giving them a date or period of time when you will allow an orgasm is important, especially in the beginning. Keeping your word on this is also important. If you say you will give him an orgasm on Tuesday, make certain to follow through with your promise. This builds his trust and enables him to consider longer periods of chastity down the road.

After a couple of week-long chastity periods, extending the length of chastity to two weeks, then three and so on becomes easier for them to consider. And so long as physical contact, edging, tease and denial sessions (without the orgasm) and other forms of play are included, submissive men begin to relax and enjoy their periods of chastity.

There are physical reasons why chastity works for the male submissive. For one, it builds their testosterone level, but this is only true for men whose testosterone production has begun to wan. Once this happens, the build-up of testosterone in the system increases their sex drive and sexual desire, thereby making chastity effective and desirable. For young men, chastity isn’t especially effective. This build-up of desire, combined with increased physical, sexual, and mental stimulation, affects how they behave. I am not a medical professional and so will not speak to the chemical changes in the brain, but I do believe these to be true. For an in depth discussion of these changes, please see: http://secretchastityhusband.blogspot.com/2010/08/male-chastity-pleasure-and-devotion.html?zx=213bc3cb8a97855b . He does a very good job of examining the chemical changes in the chaste male.

The effects you will begin to notice, however, are unmistakable. Your submissive will be consumed with thoughts of you. Your pleasure will be his focus. He will be more attentive. And if this is your first experience with a chaste male, the difference is remarkable. Once you begin using chastity within your relationship, I don’t believe you will go back to your old way of life. I immediately noticed that the longer the chastity period, the greater My subbie’s desire for play. There have been times when I had planned to give him an orgasm, but he was feeling so wonderful in his chaste state, that he begged Me not to…those moments are priceless and very gratifying for the Mistress.

Once your submissive accepts that he needs and craves chastity, enforcing it will not be a problem. There are those who prefer to lock up their submissives in some sort of chastity device. Currently, we do not use one. Aside from impracticality for our particular situation, he said that he liked denying himself for Me. So we work very well with the honor system. Others need more assistance in keeping their hands off of themselves, so a device may be necessary to reinforce the periods of chastity. Some men say they like the physical reminder that they are owned, specifically, that their cock is owned by their Mistress. Whatever method works for you is the method you should choose.

If you are still unsure, there are many blogs and books about chastity out there, but one wonderful online resource is www.chastitymansion.com. There, you can set up a profile and talk to others who are practicing chastity, or who have their submissives in chastity. I love this resource and often return to see what is new and what other things I need to know to guide us on our journey. For those just starting on this journey, I highly recommend starting there.

Things to keep in mind:

Health concerns…men are blessed with a pesky little thing called a prostate. Depending on who you talk to, some say it can be left alone and never touched, however after reading several articles on men’s health, I am of the firm opinion that to maintain optimum health, it must be milked at least once every 4-6 weeks. Men will begin to experience some discomfort if this is not done. Milking is a fairly simple procedure. Simply massage the prostate through the perineum with firm circular motions until a milky substance is released from the penis. This may also be done internally through the anus. Both methods are effective. I have been told that the sensation feels much like urination or like ejaculation without the pleasure. Afterwards they will feel “empty” and might feel slightly frustrated since their sexual desire has not abated. I do not necessarily see this as a problem.

Like any body part, if it is not used, the penis can suffer from increased dysfunction. Again, I am not a medical professional, but after discussions with other Mistresses who play with chastity and reading articles, it seems that if the penis is not permitted to achieve erection regularly, the penis (or male brain) has difficulty doing so after a time. There are those who keep their submissives locked up and unable to achieve erection for years at a time. For these men, this is a choice to be chaste and never use this appendage. For most couples, however, the idea of never having intercourse, or the male never achieving an erection is highly distasteful, and therefore I suggest a discussion with your submissive about his needs/desires/thoughts on this topic prior to making this decision. If you decide that an erection is preferable, periods of edging and tease and denial during chastity are definitely suggested.

Emotional concerns…during times of high stress, you may find that a man in chastity becomes irritable. It is sometimes wise to release him from chastity while there are major issues at work or home. Once stressors have been removed, a reintroduction to chastity can begin. Again, this is only My opinion based on My experience. Certainly, not all men require this, but if you find that your submissive is in an increasingly bad mood, it is something that you may wish to consider. My submissive will be honest with Me when he reaches this point and I usually comply with his needs. In this, he is doing as required, informing Me of his state so that I can make the best decision for him. We will discuss the stressors and if I am convinced that an orgasm will relieve him of some of his irritability, then I will allow it. Sometimes, one orgasm isn’t enough to release all the pressure, especially if the time between orgasms is several weeks. It make take two or three to empty him completely.

The other side of the coin…some women report that once they are given an orgasm, their submissives become cranky or irritable and less pleasing. I have not necessarily found this to be true. I’m certain that some men react this way. If you find that your submissive is indeed irritable post-orgasm…I recommend edging and heavy play the days following.

Above all, remember that for many men who agree to be chaste for Our pleasure, they do not expect to be denied and forgotten. Increased play, touching, sexual teasing, etc. are important in maintaining the connection between you during periods of chastity. Without this, they will become dissatisfied and no longer desire to serve you at all.

Copyright 2012 Mistress Nerissa

Shop for BDSM Toys at: www.shop.paddlesandcanes.com

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Body Worship for the FemDom couple

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

Body worship for the FemDom couple can be a wonderful way to improve the D/s aspect of your relationship and reinforce the Female’s Dominance and the male’s submission.

What is Body Worship?

Worship is defined as: The feeling or expression of reverence and adoration. For clarification, and to put this into perspective, reverence is a feeling of deep respect, and adoration is a feeling of profound love and admiration.

So Body Worship is the physical expression of deep respect, profound love and admiration.

For the submissive: Reasons for Body Worship

Body Worship is an essential part any a growing D/s relationship.

Body worship is not about you, the submissive. It’s about the One you worship. If you happen to be aroused during body worship, that is a bonus, not a requirement. Worship is not about how you feel once you are done; it’s about how your Mistress feels once you are done.

your Mistress doesn’t need you to tell Her how great She is…She already knows. She wants you to worship Her. She doesn’t NEED it…She wants it. There is a difference. So, if She doesn’t need it, then what is the purpose of worship?

First, it comes naturally. When someone is influential in your life and is doing things for you, it’s natural to want to compliment Her. Worship is a way of complimenting your Mistress for the things She’s done for you. If you don’t know what She has done, ask yourself: Has She helped you to grow? Has She helped you to realize your submissive needs and fulfill them? Has She loved and accepted you and all of your deviant needs? Is She unworthy of your worship?

Body worship costs you nothing. By opening yourself up to worshiping your Mistress, you are giving of yourself to Her, the One who cares for you and accepts you as you are. The One who knows you intimately. The One who gives you the outlet to be exactly who you are without judgment. What are some of the things that your Mistress does for you for which you wish to compliment Her?

Second, love. It’s that simple. When you love someone, you want to show them in as many ways as possible. The physical expression of this is just as important as the words. While sitting at your Mistress’ feet, you may speak the words, you may show the feelings, She will understand and accept both graciously. But when you put your hands on Her and pour into Her the love that you feel…that will speak to Her on Her natural level of being, it will touch Her subconscious and Her heart. What do you wish to say to your Mistress about how you feel for Her? What feelings fill you when you think of Her?

The third reason for body worship is gratitude. It is easy to take someone for granted. By worshiping your Mistress, you are thanking Her for everything She does for you. Does She plan play dates? Does She stay up late to beat you? Does She drive to meet you? What things does She do for you that you appreciate…but for which you forget to thank Her?

Lastly, you worship because you need to worship. When you put worship into your daily routine, you will see your relationship with your Mistress grow stronger and more intimate, and this will make you want to worship more. Why? Because you will feel awed realizing just how awesome your Mistress really is. If you don’t take the time to praise your Mistress for how great She is, you won’t realize just how great She is. The more you worship your Mistress for Her love and Dominance, the more you will experience Her love and Dominance.

A final thought…the purpose of body worship is not orgasm, though it can be a delightful side effect. Do not enter into worship with any expectations. Simply express yourself in whatever manner you choose…how your Mistress accepts your worship will determine Her reactions to it.

For the Mistress: Accepting Body Worship

When Your submissive is kneeling before You, it is tempting to direct his worship…to demand that he will kiss Your boots. However, opening Yourself up to receiving his worship in whatever form he chooses to give it will strengthen the bond between Y/you. Worship is his expression of love, respect, gratitude for You. Try simply opening Yourself up to receiving it. Close Your eyes and allow his worship to flow over You. And perhaps his worship will not take the form that You desire most, but far from being “wrong” it is what is in his heart. It is a doorway to his soul. Whatever form his worship takes, it will tell You where his head and heart are in the moment.

When You open Yourself up to receiving his worship joyfully, he will know that his efforts are not wasted and will desire to continue to worship in the future.

When You’re having a difficult day, having a bad hair day, a challenging work day, or simply not feeling like the powerful Mistress that You are…a good worship session can change that. Know that he is giving of himself to You and expecting nothing in return. Bask in the glory of simply being worshiped for the amazing Mistress within You.

Have no expectations of worship…by allowing it to flow over and through You, it will also flow back through him, bringing Y/you closer as a couple, strengthening the bond between Y/you.

Demanding Body Worship

In the beginning, it may be necessary to demand the worship of Your submissive. Do not be afraid to do this. Understand that he may be feeling the need to worship and simply not understand how to begin or be uncertain as to whether or not it is acceptable. Direct him in the beginning, explain the reasons he should worship You, and above all…do not think that because he does not do it, that he does not feel it. It may take some time for him to worship You without direction. And for some submissives, they will always require that direction. As time goes on, however, they will learn through subtle cues that it is time for worship and will throw themselves into it with reckless abandon.

Other Methods of Worship

When Y/you’re apart, worship is still necessary, though body worship is not practical. This list is simply a small collection of ways to worship from afar:

A worshiping email can have a great effect on your Mistress. Sit quietly and think of Her. Then just type your thoughts. Don’t worry that it might not make sense. Title the email “Worship for my Mistress” so She’ll understand and just let your feelings for Her flow through you to Her.

Send her links to songs that make you think of Her.

Weeding Her yard when She’s at work…doing the chores that you know She dislikes doing.

What worship comes down to is the heart of the worshiper. Whatever you decide to do, so long as you are thinking of your Mistress and your heart is in a state of worship…then you are worshiping Her, otherwise, your worship is meaningless…to you and to Her.

True worship is when what you feel aligns with your actions. If you are sitting at the feet of your Mistress and massaging them while thinking about something that happened at work earlier…then you are not worshiping…you are simply providing a service to your Mistress. Which isn’t wrong, but it also isn’t worship.

Be in the moment. Block out everything that isn’t your Mistress (or Your submissive).

Think of the mood…what music is most appropriate for your worship? What lighting is best? What do you need to be in the moment? Do you need to be kneeling? Do you need to be wearing a butt plug in order to be in the right headspace for worship? Do what needs to be done.

Don’t wait to be asked. When you feel it…do it. In the beginning, it may be a ritual that you worship for five minutes every morning before leaving bed. Practice getting into that headspace for worship. It isn’t always a simple thing at the end of the day…but first thing in the morning, might work better for both of Y/you. Worshiping before play is also helpful in getting into headspace. Waiting until after play might be more difficult depending upon the intensity of play.

Types of Body worship

Breast/Chest worship…the purpose isn’t necessarily to excite or arouse, but rather to relax and worship…

Foot/Boot worship… with hands, mouth or body

Genital worship…yoni massage is great for this, but again, the purpose isn’t to necessarily arouse…pay extra attention to those places that you don’t normally touch…

Kissing…try worshiping Her hand with kisses and see what happens

Massage…giving a sensual massage with oils will help Her relax and will give you the opportunity to express your feelings for Her; is there a place on Her body that you want to worship? Warm the oil and show Her what She means to you.

Hair…ask for permission to brush Her hair before bed. A scalp, face, and neck massage are often exactly what a Mistress would love after a long day.

If you are uncertain the type of worship will work best for Y/you…try them all and keep track of your Mistress’ responses. Does She relax and fall asleep? Does She orgasm? Does Her breathing change? Does She tell you that it feels good? And also keep track of your feelings and responses. How do you feel worshiping your Mistress in this way? Does it make you want to do it again?

In the end, worship is what Y/you make of it. I believe it is necessary to creating and developing a connection within the couple. Sometimes it will be more habit that desire, as time goes on…and other times the submissive will worship because he has no other way to express himself. Whatever the case, accepting that this, like everything else W/we do, ebbs and flows, but in the end deepens the connections and intimacy with O/our partners, is the important thing.

Do what is right for Y/you.

Copyright 2012 Mistress Nerissa

Shop for toys at: www.shop.paddlesandcanes.com

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The Joy of Aluminum Toys

Posted on October 10, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

101012 1626 Aluminumtoy1Many fear to embrace the joy of aluminum toys, but once that fear is overcome by understanding their versatility, aluminum toys can be fun and impactful!  Some feel that aluminum or other metal impact toys are frightening, intimidating or too extreme. And I must say, the first time subbie presented Me with an aluminum cane, I felt much the same, but as he had worked so hard to make it for Me, I simply had to try it!

What I found was that while these toys are less flexible than similar toys of other materials, they also have their advantages. Aluminum toys are lightweight and so offer a stinging sensation. The thicker the aluminum toy, the thuddier it becomes, however because of the inherent smoothness, the sting never quite goes away.

Aluminum is also a conductor of temperature, so 30 minutes in the freezer or 5 minutes in a pot of hot (not boiling) water, and you can add a whole new dimension to your play. In terms of strictly temperature play, there is a simple, yet effective way to set up your scene. Take two pots of water. In one, place cold water and ice cubes. In the other, place almost boiling water. Now, depending on the length of your scene, it is possible that the hot water may cool, so a portable hot plate is probably a good idea. Just leave it on low and keep the water warm. If you find that the aluminum, after coming out of the hot water is too hot for the skin, give it a couple of waves. Aluminum cools off very quickly. But one thing to remember: if you are using temperature in conjunction with impact, then the hot metal 101012 1626 Aluminumtoy2will only briefly be in contact with the skin, so there is very little danger of burning. I would suggest trying it on your arm before play starts so you have a better idea of where the temperature ought to be.

Temperature play is wonderful for sensual scenes. The alternating temperatures awaken the nerve endings in the body allowing the submissive to experience an overwhelming multitude of sensations. Aluminum toys conduct cold and heat for short periods of time.  This type of play is wonderful for those who are just beginning or who are not pain-sluts, or Sadists. Just like an ice cube to the nipple or penis or labia is electrifying, aluminum toys, when used in conjunction with temperature play, can be even more intense and create even more sensation. Just because they can be used as impact toys, does not mean they must be!

Aluminum toys conduct electricity as well, so when used in conjunction with the violet wand, these toys work beautifully. A word of caution, however! These toys, when making prolonged contact with an electrified body WILL leave burn marks which may be permanent. I suggest only using these toys with your violet wand if you are experienced in such play and if both partners understand the risks. Because of the nature of these toys, the pain will most likely be highly intense used under these circumstances, so be certain that you know what you’re doing before you use them. In the right hands, however, aluminum impact toys can be a lot of fun for those who enjoy electrical play.

Another advantage of aluminum toys, for those of you who play with multiple partners, is that the body contact portion of these toys can be easily disinfected. Depending on the depth of disinfecting required, they can be boiled in water, wiped with alcohol or cleaned with other anti-microbial soaps without harming the toy. This is especially important for any type of anal, vaginal or blood contact. There is no sense in risking the health of our partners when it can be so easily prevented!

Now, from a purely aesthetic perspective, I have to tell you the last reason I simply love these aluminum toys. When playing in the dungeon, under black or multi-colored lights, the effect is amazing! Because these toys are highly polished to an almost mirror finish, they reflect the different colored lights beautifully. So when you’re playing in the dungeon, especially during an impact scene, those watching will be uncertain as to the type of toy you’re using since the colors will reflect and make it look more like a weapon from a science-fiction movie than a BDSM implement.

One comment on fears. Even though I’m making it sound easy, overcoming the hesitation to use such an instrument is difficult in order to find the joy of aluminum toys. But like anything, starting slowly and lightly and working your way up to harder impact is always the way to go. Understanding the properties of the toys you are using, and their infinite possibilities is one way to reduce those fears. And remember…BDSM is supposed to be fun…that’s why we call it “play,” so above all else, have fun with your partner, connect, and whatever toys you choose, keep this always at the forefront of your mind!

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Copyright 2012 Mistress Nerissa

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BDSM Warm-up and Aftercare

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Mistress Nerissa

Warm-up and aftercare are important in BDSM play.  There are some who enter this lifestyle cautiously and taking baby steps, learning and asking questions before they leap into action. And there are those who are just too excited to wait…so they jump in feet first, head first, or cannonball…making a huge splash, having fun, getting wet and sometimes injuring those around them if they’re not careful.

This isn’t a note about safety, but rather thinking things through from beginning to end. Regardless of the BDSM scene in which you choose to indulge, two things seem to make a difference in the quality of said scene: warm-up and aftercare.

Warm-up is generally described literally, as in warming your partner’s bottom before bringing out the heavy impact, but it encompasses so much more. Warm-up gives both the Dominant and the submissive the opportunity to get into the appropriate headspace. For non-impact scenes, one may simply forget that warm-up is necessary, however in these scenes, it can often make the experience that much richer.

Before beginning any scene, try having your submissive kneel before you. When we begin our scenes this way, I touch him; run My hands over the ridges of his back and shoulders, dig My fingers into the muscles on his chest, tweak his nipples, tug on his hair. It is during this process that I blindfold him as well, allowing him to focus only on My touch. If there is a specific area on which I will be working, I will also focus My attentions here…warming his ass, back, or chest. For female submissives, this same technique applies. There should be some sexual arousal at this point which is not a bad thing, especially if impact or moderate to heavy pain is your goal.

For new partners, this is especially important as it allows them the opportunity to get used to your touch; it allows you to establish a physical connection with them. It allows both of you the opportunity to focus on the moment, and allows the details of the day that has gone before to drain away. This connection will improve any interaction between you and when used in later play sessions, tense moments, or simply in non-play situations where you desire to reconnect. The more you use it, the more effective it will become.

In practical uses, it also gives you the opportunity to examine your submissive for sore spots, existing bruises and injuries, or places to avoid. Once your examination is over, some form of worship is also wise. Foot/boot worship, breast (or cock) worship, but in demanding that your submissive worship you, however briefly, it establishes your privilege and right to this type of treatment and further deepens the connection between you. It gives your submissive the opportunity to thank you for what you are about to do, and further relaxes you and helps deepen your headspace. Warm-up can last as long as you wish…you will know when you both are ready.

Once the scene is over, aftercare is also important. While in some cases, it will be very similar to warm-up (i.e. caressing and worship), it may also be more intense. After heavy impact scenes, submissives react in a myriad of ways. Some shake quietly and need to be held, some cry and desire no contact with the Dominant at all, and still others are simply floating along and are incapable of speech. If your submissive is the type to want no contact with you, make certain that you have another person with whom they are comfortable present to administer the aftercare, but never leave them alone and despite the fact that they may not desire contact with you, do not leave the room. This is a lesson, I am ashamed to admit, that I had to learn the hard way.

Take care to have a blanket, bottles of water, even a small snack waiting for after your play. You will probably need the water as much as your submissive. Once they begin to cool off, it happens quickly and they may get cold, so the blanket will come in handy. When administering aftercare to someone larger than you are, it is difficult to hold them, but putting some of your weight on them, wrapping your arms around them, rubbing them gently, all these things help them feel soothed and bring them slowly down from subspace.

If you are engaging in impact, you may want to have aloe available to soothe chapped skin, arnica for bruises, even icepacks and ibuprofen for later. It is also wise to understand that a drop in blood sugar may affect one or both of you following an intense scene, so some type of snack is wise.

Whatever type of aftercare you decide is best, what matters is that the care of your submissive is above all else. The toys can wait to be cleaned and packed, the person waiting to use the furniture after you can wait. Until your submissive is able to stand on his own and you feel he is okay, he should be your only focus. If you know that your partner requires a lot of aftercare and you plan on playing in a public dungeon on a busy night, you may wish to arrange to have someone there to clean up after your scene and pack your toys so that you can give your submissive all that he needs.

I’ve heard people say…I don’t do aftercare. Hell, I’ve said that. I have always done the cuddling thing, made sure he had water, but rubbing aloe into his skin after a heavy impact scene…not something I usually do. It just depends on the needs of your submissive, and your needs. But do not be fooled, very few submissives require zero aftercare. There are some, but not many. Some simply need hand holding, cuddling on the couch, or sex…but the connection you establish during a scene doesn’t immediately end when the scene is over. Such an occurrence is often too abrupt and unsettling and needs to be continued for both of you until you are both calm and at ease.

I have observed that the better the warm-up and aftercare, the less he experiences sub-drop and the less I experience Top-drop. And since neither one is fun for Me, I prefer to avoid them both!

I sincerely hope the next time you play, you take these thoughts into consideration. I’m not a warm and fuzzy Mistress during play, but the connection we develop is important to Me and without it, our scenes feel “less-than.” In adding warm-up and aftercare into how we play, I find the connection intensifies and lasts far beyond an hour or two of play.

Copyright 2012 Mistress Nerissa

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