BDSM Protocols, Rituals, Commands, Positions, and Training…How to use them.
We hear a lot about protocols, rituals, commands, positions, and training when we are first delving into the BDSM lifestyle. There are books galore showcasing all the different types of protocols, rituals, positions, etc. But none of them really discusses HOW to make them part of your dynamic. It’s the structure that’s seductive. Once established, these tools help your relationship run more smoothly. So we want them now! And so we run home and tell our s-type that from now on you will do X, every day. And we are proud of ourselves because we have just established a protocol or ritual. Perhaps this ritual lasts for a day or two, perhaps even a week or two, but eventually, our s-type ceases to do it and we wonder why it didn’t work. There is more to it than just declaring that it be so. Protocols, rituals, commands, positions and training all take work for both partners to make them a healthy and consistent part of our dynamics. Let’s explore them.
What are they?
Protocol: How one is expected to behave. (Example: waiting in line for the movies is expected behavior, cutting in line is not acceptable.)
Ritual: A commonly used practice for specific occasions. (Example: Saying Grace before a meal.)
Command: Verbal or visual signal for a certain behavior. (Example: Ordering your dog to sit.)
Position: A practice positioning of the body to affect behavior at a given command. (Example: Attention! or At-Ease)
Training: The method by which the above are taught, learned, and perfected.
Examples in BDSM:
Protocol: How is your slave to address others in a public lifestyle situation? Where are they to stand in relation to you? Must they ask permission to eat, speak, use the restroom? How do you prefer them to dress? Protocols may vary due to situation, i.e. vanilla vs. lifestyle. Household protocols for cleaning, cooking, shopping, serving, etc.
Ritual: Kneeling, verbal exchanges, serving, uniforms for specific occasions, etc.
Commands: One or two words, or a physical signal to initiate a behavior: kneel, present, stand, fetch (usually includes item to be fetched), etc.
Position: The physical positioning of the slave for a specific task: kneel, present, stand, as well as serving.
Why are they important?
This is purely my opinion. As a general rule, people do not pay very close attention to one another. When you’ve lived with someone for a time, the newness of them wears off and you stop seeing the little things. In the beginning, you noticed when they cocked their head to the side when asking a question, or swung their foot while watching TV. But after a time (and it doesn’t take very long) we stop noticing those things. We stop seeing every little detail about our partners. And people on the street with whom we come into contact every day see even less. By incorporating protocols, rituals, commands, positions, and training them appropriately, we give our partners close scrutiny. We pay attention to the way they are standing, holding their head, how their hands are positioned, what they are wearing, the look on their face, the sparkle (or lack thereof) in their eyes. And in training we let them know that we are watching them more closely and paying more attention to them than any other person. It gives them a sense of security, or knowing that they are loved and cherished and special.
How to devise them…
What is the purpose? To make your life easier? To train common positions used in play? To please you? To reinforce headspace throughout the day? Think about WHY you want the protocol, ritual, command, or position first, then think about the ways can you achieve your goal.
Why should they be part of your dynamic?
What pleases you? What makes you happy? What makes your life easier? What makes you feel loved and cherished? What challenges have you encountered while playing that a position or verbal command could alleviate? What frustrations have you (or your partner) encountered while exploring your dynamic that a protocol may improve? How do you communicate upsets in your relationship? What challenges might you encounter in your daily life that will make a protocol or ritual difficult to maintain? How do you and your partner maintain headspace? Do you desire to have a power transfer dynamic?
What are the pieces of your protocol, ritual, command, or position? (Who, what, when, where, why, how?)
Does it require a physical position?
Does it require a verbal exchange or specific language?
What is the timing of your protocol, ritual, position, command? How often? When? Is it situational?
Is there a uniform or specific clothing/accessory required?
How will you train your protocol, ritual, position, or command?
Designated training sessions? Written instructions? Verbal instructions? It is important to understand how your partner learns best before you decide how you will train. Sometimes several methods are required. If there are physical requirements to your protocol, physical training will definitely be required. How will you correct your partner during training to ensure that the protocol is delivered to your standards? How long will you train? If you or your partner does not know if they are a visual, auditory, kinesthetic or multi-sensory learner, there is a quick quiz located at: http://www.2learn.org/learningstyles.html
After the training period, how will you correct the absence or the incorrect performance of a protocol, ritual, position or command?
Do you have escalating consequences? Is your partner aware of them? Do you have a training/discipline method in place to use for all protocols? Is your partner required to keep a written record of protocols with notes on how to perform them? To learn about your partner’s motivations and strengths, you may enjoy completing the following:
http://typelogic.com/entj.html
http://www.tonyrobbins.com/ue/disc-profile.php
If both of you complete these surveys, they can act as a jumping off point for a discussion regarding improved communication, learning, and relating within your relationship. The more information you have about one another, the better!
Example Ritual/Command/Position
Present for Inspection:
Before play (WHEN), the slave is required to present for inspection (WHAT). The purpose (WHY) of this ritual is to highlight the slave’s place in the relationship; to remind U/us of O/our respective positions; to alter headspace to signify the end of regular daily life and the beginning of play time; to gauge the mental, physical and emotional health of the slave prior to play.
Physical (HOW/WHERE):
slave is required to disrobe and fold clothes neatly, putting them in the designated spot, removing all jewelry except for the casual collar (and/or wedding ring). If slave has long hair, it is to be pulled back into a simple pony tail, slave will not wear make-up.
slave will stand before the Master, chin high, eyes lowered, shoulders back, chest out, feet a little wider than shoulder-width apart, hands behind head, fingers interlaced, knees slightly bent (not locked). slave is not permitted to look Master in the eye.
Mental: slave will take slow deep breaths and concentrate on feeling its slavery. slave will not grow impatient and will stand in position breathing and concentrating as long as the Master wills.
Verbal:
slave will remain silent unless asked a question. slave will answer every question Master asks with the prescribed language: Yes, Master, thank you master…No, Master, thank you Master…or in the event of an open-ended question…_________, Master, thank you Master. slave will answer honestly, fully, completely, and without hesitation every question asked. The final question asked will always be: Does this slave have additional information to offer? This is the slave’s final opportunity to express concerns, needs, fears, hurts, etc. It is the slave’s responsibility to offer ALL information to the Master regarding its mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It is not up to the slave to decide the importance or relevance of the information.
At the end of the inspection period, Master will order the slave to dress in the uniform of the evening. slave will dress in silence and come back to Present once dressed appropriately.
END OF PROTOCOL
How to train:
Verbally explain the protocol, ritual, command, position to the slave. I find it is helpful to explain why you think this protocol is important and what benefits it will give your dynamic. At this point, it is up to you if you will allow them to ask questions to clarify. In the beginning, there are usually many questions due to the foreign-nature of such an exercise, born of nervousness, the desire to get it right, the desire to please, etc. Explain the training time period, how long it will last, and how the training will take place over time. Explain your expectations and when you expect that they will be “trained” and no longer require reminders. Explain the consequences which will occur after the training period ends and they still do not have it perfectly or they become lax in their performance over time.
I find it is helpful to designate “training” with a physical cue of some kind…a uniform, a collar, a specific implement, etc. but this is definitely not required. Also, separating training from play is recommended, though playing afterward is up to you! Training after play is probably not a good idea.
Give the command to assume the position as you would if they already knew it. Since you have told them verbally what you expect from the position, they will likely get some part of it right. Keep in mind that most people have difficulty remembering more than 5 things at once. If your position/command requires more than five changes to their demeanor or physical position, they will likely need to be reminded. Do not expect them to get it right the very first time and to make it a positive experience, do not act disappointed or upset that they failed to get it all. Simply correct the position. Verbally and with physical compulsion, correct their position one step at a time until they are positioned exactly as you would have them be. Once they have attained the correct position, have them remain there and feel it. Then they may relax and once again, give the command. When training a position, it is important to do so multiple times on multiple occasions to create muscle memory.
These same techniques can be used to train commands, rituals, protocols, and positions. When you find something that works well, use that training technique for each training period. If you find that the slave is not receptive to training, ask them how it can be more effective, how to better motivate and encourage them. You may find that they are wanting more structure rather than less, or more gentleness or harshness than you have been providing. While I am not advocating allowing your slave to Top from the bottom, I also believe that teaching of any kind must be effective and if the technique you’re using isn’t working, using all resources at your disposal (including the self-knowledge of your slave) to be more effective is only wise. Keep feedback sessions separate from training. I find that allowing a 24 hour period to lapse helps in the beginning because there are many feelings and thoughts that need to be processed before the slave can put them into words.
Things to keep in mind:
You are learning this protocol as well. Keep notes with you as you’re training so that you do not forget to train something that you have worked so hard to create. I suggest writing it down so that each time you train you can be consistent. It is not much fun to be reminded by your slave that you’ve forgotten part of a position or protocol.
Consequences:
The following are suggestions only.
1st offense: slave will kneel, offer any concerns to the Master regarding the task, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, then receive corrective training.
2nd offense: slave will kneel, explain the continued difficulty remembering how to perform the task, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, receive corrective training, then perform the task 5 times with perfection.
3rd offense: slave will kneel nightly before bed for one week, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, practice on its own to strive for perfection, and complete a journal entry/email/paper on the importance of obedience and why the slave believes it is challenged to perform the task as required, at the end of the week, slave will correctly perform the task and read aloud the paper to the Master.
4th offense: slave will kneel, read the protocol/ritual/command/position instructions aloud, explain to the Master why the slave believes this task is not worthy of its attention or why they cannot give obedience to their Master in this instance.
5th offense: slave will kneel and asked to be released from service.
These consequences imply that the slave is not trying to be obedient. Judgment should always be used. If over a year-long period, the slave incorrectly performs the protocol/ritual/command/position four times, I would suggest it is because of outside influence or circumstances (i.e. slave is tired, ill, stressed, etc.) and a simple conversation and verbal reminder is all that is necessary. If the slave willfully and continually does not perform the task as required, there is an issue that needs to be addressed and the slave must answer the question for itself…does it still want to be a slave? If there is an underlying issue (anger, upset, hurt, etc.) it is the Master’s responsibility to address that issue and resolve it, reminding the slave that expressing those issues is necessary for the health of the dynamic.
Above all, please remember that the goal of adding these tools to your dynamic is to strengthen it. If you are looking for an easy fix, this most certainly isn’t it. But communication, when all else fails, is usually the key, so make that your “go-to” tool for your relationship and you’ll find the path a little easier to travel.
©Copyright 2013 Mistress Nerissa
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