There can be some stigma surrounding anal play for both sexes, however this erogenous zone is an amazing one that should not be discounted or ignored. Finding the right toys and methods to begin your anal exploration is the easy part! Start small and use lots of lube! Getting over the mental blocks that may be preventing you or your partner from this type of exploration can be a little more challenging.
If you are the partner who wants to explore anal play for your own sexual pleasure, but you worry how your partner will react, know that you are not alone. It's never easy to discuss it, but how you approach it will make all the difference.
1. Assume your partner will be supportive. Let your partner know that you are very excited about this and would like to know their thoughts. If you approach your partner with a nervous attitude, it might make them defensive.
2. Listen to your partner's response and answer any questions they have so that they can fully understand.
3. Have a toy and some lube handy to show them if they need help understanding.
4. Have an article or two ready if they are concerned and want more information.
5. Don't be afraid to speak to your doctor about this as a couple. Doctors have heard it all and definitely will not be surprised. This is an especially important step if you have any type of intestinal issues (IBD, IBS, UC, Crohn's, etc.).
If you want to give anal pleasure to your partner, but you don't know how to discuss this with them, or they seem uninterested, the conversation needs to be handled differently.
1. Sit down in a relaxing, private and comfortable place (NOT the bedroom). You might even have a glass of wine, but definitely not the entire bottle.
2. Explain to your partner that you've been thinking about the pleasure you think they will derive from anal play and tell them why you want to explore it. Make certain that you are not making demands, but rather helping them to understand where you are coming from. Then ask them if they would be willing to discuss this further with you.
3. Listen to their response and respect it. If their answer is No, ask them why they don't wish to discuss it. The purpose of this is to gain understanding only, not to gather ammunition to get around their guard. Once they've answered, respect their viewpoint, thank them for sharing it and ask them if they would mind just thinking about it for a week or so and discussing it again after they have had a chance to think about it and research. Ask them if it would be okay to send them a few articles to help them understand and let them know that you're very willing to answer any questions they may have.
4. If they are willing to discuss their anal pleasure with you, tell them what you are thinking and the things you would like to do. Have a toy and lube handy so that they can see the items and ask any questions. Ask if they have every considered it, if they have had any fantasies about it.
Once you and your partner have discussed and have agreed to begin exploration, a final discussion must take place...limits.
What limits do you both have? What is okay and what is too much? Who is in charge of the speed of insertion? Is the receiving partner going to "clean out" first? If so, will this take place privately or with both of you present? How will the scene be set? What types of toys and lube are appropriate? What do you both need to be comfortable, relaxed and pleasured?
The First Time
Cleaning out is the term we apply to enemas. This is not strictly necessary for anal play, but oftentimes it will make the receiving partner more comfortable, especially if they are concerned with the possible mess of anal play. Done correctly, it can also be relaxing and an intimate way to connect.
When using an enema for the purpose of cleaning out prior to anal play, make sure you are using only water. Do NOT use the medication that may come with an enema kit purchased at the drugstore. Warm water is best. It should be no hotter than 108 degrees. It should be warm to the touch, but not so hot that it turns the fragile skin of the inside of your arm pink. Cold or cool water will most likely cause cramping so it should be avoided.
If you have never had an enema before, you should go slowly. Lay comfortably on your left side. Put some towels on the bathroom floor to be as comfortable as possible. Allow the water to trickle in slowly. The faster the water enters you, the more likely you are to cramp. If you experience cramps, pause the water flow and breathe through it. They should stop after a few deep breaths. Once they stop, start the water flow again more slowly.
Once you reach the point where the bag is empty or you feel the water has stopped coming out of the bag (this is more likely), massage your stomach for a few minutes and hold the water in as long as possible. You'll feel when you're ready to expel the contents of your bowels and move carefully to the toilet.
You may experience the feeling that you aren't getting out as much water as you put in. You may need to stand for a few minutes and allow the water to make its way down. If you do not feel that enough stool has been removed, you can re-do the process 1-2 more times. This may take anywhere from 15 minutes to 1 hour, especially the first time. As you get to know your body better and how you respond to enemas, it will take less time.
It is important to note that cleaning out is not "required" for anal play. It can make you more comfortable and has a relaxing effect if you get a little nervous. If you are using butt plugs only then cleaning out probably isn't necessary, while anal sex or prolonged anal play may require an enema both for comfort and cleanliness.
Doing this with your partner can be a wonderful way to connect.
Picking the Right Toy & Lube
A good beginning toy is one that is not too intimidating for you and that appeals to you aesthetically. If you are using the toy solo, finding one that is firm is going to be easier to insert, so glass or metal is the best choice. A beginning toy is going to be about 1 inch in diameter. For your first toy, try one that is smooth, without bumps or ridges. This will make insertion easier. Once you decide that you feel comfortable with anal play, try toys with bumps and ridges for new sensations. For fast and easy clean-up, using a condom over the toy is recommended. Wash your toy in hot soapy water and rinse thoroughly before and after use. Make certain that your toy is completely dry before storing it after play.
The right lube is going to be a personal preference, however there are some guidelines. Silicone toys require a water-based lubricant. You should never use silicone lubricant on a silicone toy. Women should consider using only water-based lubricants as well. While any type of lubricant can be used in the rectum, silicone lubricant that gets into the vagina can cause yeast infections. Men can use any type of lubricant they choose.
Inserting the First Time
Get comfortable, set the mood, and set out your toy and lube. If you're doing this for the first time on your own, make sure you have everything you need nearby.
Start with sexual stimulation. Whether you're on your own or playing with a partner, get yourself to the midpoint of your orgasmic climb. Once there, begin rubbing the lubricated toy against your anus while continuing your sexual stimulation. As the stimulation intensifies, slowly insert the toy as far as is comfortable. It isn't important to insert it fully the first time, only to get used to the feeling. Many people notice an increase in the intensity of the sexual sensations and an intensity in orgasm once reached.
With the toy fully inserted, it presses against the prostate (in men). For women to feel the full g-spot effect, a dildo, finger or cock in the vagina is helpful.
As you experiment more with anal play, you'll find what you like and what you do not. It isn't important to go up in size or length as time goes on unless that is something that you want to do. Generally, people find a medium-sized plug (approximately 1.25-1.4 inches in diameter) is sufficient for most types of anal play especially when they are most interested in intensifying their sexual pleasure.
Burning: Try more lubricant if the lube is too dry or sticky. If you haven't used that lubricant before, you may have a sensitivity to it, so switching to a natural lubricant like coconut oil may be preferable.
Pain: If you experience pain, not just discomfort, stop immediately. If there is an absence of blood and the pain recedes with the removal of the toy, it may simply be the wrong day. Our bodies can react differently to different stimuli on a day to day basis. Wait a few days before trying again, more slowly and with more lubricant. If there is sharp pain every time you attempt anal play, even with a small toy and lots of lube, you may want to discuss it with your doctor as this can be a sign of other medical issues.
Blood: You should NOT experience blood or bleeding with anal play. The tissues of the rectum are extremely sensitive and if you are bleeding heavily, you should seek medical attention immediately! Do NOT worry about embarrassment, your life is much more important. If there is a bloody, pinkish smear on the toy after use, or when you wipe afterward, you may have inserted the toy too quickly or used a toy that is too large. If you are in any doubt, seek medical attention. If this persists, you may want to see a doctor as this can be a sign of other medical issues.
We are always happy to hear from you! If you'd like us to write about other types of play or if you have any questions, please email us at: email@example.com
NOTE: Nothing in this article is a substitute for qualified medical advice. Seek the advice of a medical professional prior to attempting any type of anal play, if you have any medical conditions, or have any questions regarding your health and well-being.