Lifestyle Articles

Creating a Sexual Masochist June 16 2013

Creating a sexual masochist is a process. Some masochists are sexually stimulated by pain, but many are not…initially. There are plenty of masochists out there who enjoy pain, can take a lot of pain, but cannot bridge the gap to find sexual pleasure in the pain. If you find that your partner falls into this category and you want to control their sexuality through pain, there are some things you can do to encourage this transition.

Please note that these suggestions are what I have found to be true in My experience and the experience of others with whom I’ve conferred, but it is by no means exhaustive!

Process

Sexual stimulation is a large part of this process. The goal is for Your submissive to be sexually aroused during impact play, or at the application of pain. If this does not happen naturally for them, then You can train their body and mind to associate pain with sexual pleasure. One of the easiest ways to do this is to apply a small amount of pain to their body, either clamps or impact to begin, but keep it light…just a small pain that is noticeable but easily endured. Then sexually stimulate them either with your hand or a vibrator…whichever you prefer. Once they respond (women get wet, men get hard), then increase the pain marginally.

If you are using nipple clamps…either tighten the clover clamps, or change out the clamps to something a little tighter. There are many types of clamps out there for this purpose, or if You are using clothespins, a simple rubberband on the clothespin will work, just roll it closer to the nipple to tighten the grip. If You are using impact, I have found that it is easiest to have them standing so that I can stand to the side of them, manually stimulating with one hand and paddling/caning with the other. Another way is to have them on their hands and knees. Either way, make certain that You are comfortable, for these sessions need to be long and slow.

How long these sessions last is up to You, however keep in mind that the goal is to create sexual arousal, so keeping Your submissive aroused during the session is a must. The moment their pain overcomes their sexual arousal, you have gone too far.

Once the initial phase of introducing pain and sexual stimulation is achieved, then the next sessions should focus on less sexual stimulation and more pain. Just give enough stimulation to keep them aroused while applying more pain. You may find that arousal dims with increased pain, or You may find that certain types of pain are not as effective as others. In My experience, certain areas of the body take more time to train than others. Depending on the sensitivity of Your submissive, their headspace, their personal fantasies, etc., You may find one area which when pain is applied, no arousal can occur. Focus first on those areas where You are able to achieve their arousal, and if You cannot find one that works, look for another. This process is lengthy and may take months or even years to achieve. Usually, some level of arousal can be created in a matter of weeks.

The other part of this type of training is to stick with what works. If You find that a particular implement is effective, then stick with that implement. Trying to alter the toys, bring variety to Your play, may have a negative effect on Your submissive’s ability to achieve arousal through pain, especially in the beginning. And if You are still having difficulty after several sessions, You may want to alter the type of pain. For example, if you are using a stinging type pain, try something thuddier, or vice versa.

Once You find that they have achieved the ability to be aroused, gradually increasing pain and decreasing manual stimulation is important. Their brains are now able to connect pain with sexual pleasure. You may have to stimulate every so often, but it will not be as much as before. As each session proceeds down this path, You are altering the core of their sexuality. This will enable them to experience their sexuality with more depth and breadth than before.

Talk to Your submissive after each session, especially the first couple, and see what is working and what isn’t. Find out what their headspace is like. Don’t assume that because one session didn’t go exactly as you wanted that the technique is faulty…sometimes, it’s the timing.

I prefer to manually stimulate My submissive, however You can have them masturbate for You while you apply pain. This may be effective in the beginning, however, in the end, when You are attempting to decrease the stimulation and increase the pain, this may be a hindrance, so consider all of Your options before proceeding down this road.

Thoughts

In understanding and connecting pain to their pleasure centers, You will effectively be changing those erogenous zones. It may be something as simple as slapping the inside of their thigh as You stimulate them…as time goes on, any slap to the inside of the thigh will arouse them and may eventually cause orgasm on command. While I have heard of this phenomenon…training orgasms on command, I have not personally experienced it. I have used the above techniques to train My submissive to orgasm while I’m caning his penis. So I know it works. That particular skill took about six months to achieve, though I am still manually stimulating him throughout the caning in order to achieve the desired level of arousal. It is My goal to continue this process so that he achieves orgasm solely from caning. It may take years, but I’m willing to put in the effort! Keep in mind, however, start small. This was not our first effort. In the beginning, My only goal was to get him hard during impact play.

This theory can be used with any type of sexual stimulation, not just masochism. If you want to anally train, this is a good way to do it. This is also an excellent technique for the introduction to new types of play, especially those types that may mentally challenging for your submissive. Most importantly, understand that while You are undertaking to change the sexuality of Your submissive, they must be willing to make the change for You. Their unwillingness will work against You.

Also, know that these changes will remain in effect so long as You are reinforcing them. If You don’t do this type of play for several months, then You will need to retrain once You start up again. It may be that after years and years, the change will become permanent, however I have not attempted it long enough to see if it will work that way.

Review

Choose an area of the body that is easy to access and which You desire to train
Sexually stimulate Your submissive prior to application of pain
Alternate pain application with arousal during each session, decreasing arousal time and increase pain as the sessions progress
Be patient and stick with what works
Communicate

Punishment vs. Funishment August 02 2012

The topic of punishment has long been debated within the BDSM community. Some see punishment as unnecessary cruelty, while others see it as simply a part of what we do. Understanding the uses of punishment and how to make it effective within your relationship is therefore essential.

There are those who confuse punishment with funishment. Now, I know, funishment isn’t really a word, but the concept is very familiar.

Simply explained: funishment is mock punishment, where the submissive asks for or desires to be “punished” for some perceived wrong doing and in receiving the “punishment,” the submissive’s need for play/attention/desire is fulfilled. It is a game between Dominant and submissive. At times the Dominant may “punish” the submissive for breaking arbitrary rules, and both understand that this is simply a game, a role-play, leading into play. The “you’ve been a bad girl so you need to be punished” type of play is very familiar in our world. But this is play and not true punishment.

Punishment is not fun. Punishment is not desired. Punishment is meant to correct behavior or to resolve a conflict.

There are several aspects to punishment which make it effective.

First, the submissive must fully understand the behavior/action that is being corrected and what they should have done differently. Without this part, the punishment is, in My opinion, cruel as well as ineffective.

Second, punishment should never be administered in anger, this is simply abuse.

Third, once the undesirable behavior is discussed, and punishment is administered simply and fairly, forgiveness must be given. In using punishment in this way, not only is it effective, but it also offers closure and resolution, allowing you to move forward. Once this process is over, both parties should strive never to refer to it again. The subject should be closed.

The physical punishment should only begin after the situation has been fully discussed. If you are not done with your anger, if you are not yet ready to let it go, then physical punishment should not be administered. Punishment, administered when both parties have a cool head, is an effective way to allow the submissive to move forward without guilt or further repercussions, and to allow the Dominant to move forward and forgive.

But what happens when it is the Dominant who is in the wrong? We make mistakes as well. So how do We resolve them? Depending upon your dynamic, punishment can also be used to resolve the mistakes of the Dominant.

In our relationship, My submissive takes My punishment for Me. If I am wrong, we discuss the issue, how I will do things differently in the future, and then he takes My punishment. This helps us resolve the issue and move forward. By taking the punishment for Me, he is acknowledging that I am forgiven for what I’ve done. If the situation is not fully resolved between us, he is not capable of submitting to this punishment, but once we have discussed and resolved, the physical punishment gives us closure. Let Me warn you, however, that this is not an easy thing to do. Punishing him because I am wrong, is very difficult for Me. But like any punishment, it deters from repeat offenses.

Methods of punishment depend on your dynamic. Punishment can range from corporal methods of spanking, paddling, or caning to assigning undesirable tasks or corner time. I’ve been told that one punishment that many abhor is simply standing in the corner, holding a dime to the wall with one’s nose, adding a squatting position, or some other physically difficult-to-hold position can increase the level of punishment.

I'm a firm believer in allowing the punishment to fit the crime. For instance, if he doesn't make the bed, then he is not allowed to sleep in it. He can sleep on the floor.

Funishment methods are only limited to one’s imagination. In the end, the same methods can be used for each, but as with anything, intent makes all the difference. It is very difficult to enjoy a paddling when one knows that they have upset their Dominant. So long as the intent is clear, so too is the difference between funishment and punishment.

Marriage and Spanking in the Bedroom: Thoughts on Intimacy and Trust February 01 2011

Guest Blog Post from The Black Toy Chest

Marriage and Spanking in the Bedroom: Thoughts on Intimacy and Trust

Madison Berlin from The Black Toy Chest

When my husband and I were dating, I had never been spanked by anyone before – not as a punishment or even as a playful smack. He introduced me to it one day out of the blue as a teasing gesture, and at first I admit I was reluctant – I wasn’t sure what to make of it, really. As we got to know each other more and more though, his affectionate and teasing spankings were beginning to make me a little horny, a feeling of naughtiness bringing out more passion for him. Soon, it became a regular part of foreplay, and I began to actually enjoy getting spanked beyond just the tease, to the point where I would ask my husband to spank me more (with a naughty horny voice of course) – I loved getting my butt glowing red with his palm prints and he spanked me all the while fondling my breasts or rubbing my clitoris. And he came to know exactly how I liked it – with a firm hand smacking down on the softest part of my butt, giving me a little sting but not too much. During lovemaking, when my husband took me from behind, he would spank me again and again; I loved every bit of his affectionate spanking. I felt myself getting tighter and wetter around his manhood with each stinging smack, and the effect was even more pronounced when we enjoyed anal sex. Yet it wasn’t really clear why it was so enjoyable. Perhaps it was just that naughty feeling, or maybe it was the endorphins released by the slight stings. However, I later found out as my husband and I grew closer through marriage that the reasons revealed to have much deeper roots.

Spanking for me undoubtedly feels good because I feel a bit sluttier for my husband, and bit like a naughty girl who’s been up to no good and is being set straight. But there’s a reason that it feels so good and turns me on. At the core of it is the belief that my husband isn’t really going to hurt me, and that it’s an affectionate act on his part to know what makes me hot for him. I trust him to know my limits and to push them right to take me to new heights. I trust him to know where to smack and when. I trust him to only make me his naughty girl and give nobody else that privilege. That’s a special feeling. It takes all the components that make us work as a couple and heightens them when he spanks me. Not consciously, mind you, I’m too busy being pleasured then – it’s subconscious knowledge that comes to light upon reflection. And I know that he feels special because I let him make me naughty. He knows I love it because it’s him that’s spanking my round behind. It takes our trust and makes it stronger for the both of us; it’s enjoyable! Marriage is so often construed as just commitment, but it has so many components that are overlooked. It’s filled with joys, frustrations, and everything in between – and it’s the trust in our lovers to love us no matter what that makes that commitment possible. The spanking itself passes with each session of our play, but the fact that we are so close remains – and that’s what lays the foundation for making spanking so enjoyable for us.

As for the tools of the trade, they can certainly add to your spanking experience. My husband started spanking me with a paddle and belt only fairly recently in our time together, after we had long established that I enjoy playing the naughty girl. We found that the heightened (or stingier, should I say?) play allows us to fantasize even more together. For example, just the other day, I gave him a particularly pleasurable blowjob, and he slowly pulled out a belt and informed me that I’ve been naughty and need to be punished. It was a pleasantly unexpected surprise, and I happily played along, agreeing with him and asking him for a spanking to set me straight. I assumed the position and kneeled with my butt in the air, and my husband went to town giving me one smack after another on my bare bottom, evenly belting each butt cheek with lots of sting; he made me say that I’ve been naughty and deserve to be spanked hard, and I said it over and over again while I felt the belt leaving my butt all red with stripes. Naturally, it hurt more than his hand, but I was all the more horny afterwards, really immersed in my role as a naughty girl; my husband then went to town on my dripping love hole with his lovely manhood. The situational play that we enjoyed shows how spanking can increase intimacy. There are many days when we will indulge in gentle lovemaking cradling each other, and nurturing our affection. But some days we both want something a bit rougher, something passion-fueled instead of affection-fueled. And spanking is one of the ways we heighten our passion – it’s edgier and sluttier and different while maintaining all of the subtle foundations that make us work as a loving couple. And when we play our respective roles that allow such passion, we get closer together as an end result.

The nuances of spanking become clearer after you’ve enjoyed it for a while. I still love my husband’s hand the most, but his belt and our new paddle from SPORKwood are the toys that take us above our usual limits when we want it. The belt stings more than his hand, and the paddle is big enough to spank both of my butt cheeks at once, giving me no break between smacks. What’s more, the paddle allows me to be spanked while butt plugged (and it pushes it in more – lots of moaning fun!), making the experience even more pleasurable. We use whatever tool suits our mood, but constantly searching for new methods and different strokes (no pun intended) help us extend and deepen our intimacy. It’s important to keep communication up – what feels good, what doesn’t, and what you want to try.

We have chosen to the spend the rest of our lives together, and we plan to make it as fun and close as we can – Spanking’s definitely one of the things that help us keep it lively in the bedroom (Ladies, I guarantee if you stick up your butt in the air and tell your husband you’ve been a naughty girl, he will be all over you in a heartbeat). Does this mean everyone should like spanking? Not necessarily. We’ve found it to be rewarding and hope that others enjoy it too, but we would like to stress that whatever it is in your love life that makes you trust your partner more, that makes you closer to them – go for it and don’t hesittate! Play out some of your fantasies or try some new positions. And realize that all of these things get you two talking to each other about something intimate and private; that it’s only for your partner to hear. Keep that specialness alive: Marriage isn’t a static condition – it evolves with you two. Good luck, be naughty, and have fun!

Thank you for reading, and happy spanking!

James and Madison